


it's gonna take a while

by lorilanda



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: 100+1, Canon Compliant, Friends to Lovers, HxHBB20, M/M, Post-Canon, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:56:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27914173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lorilanda/pseuds/lorilanda
Summary: "I'm Killua." // "I'm Gon!"And just like that, everything happened.Gon and Killua, from the start to the finish line.
Relationships: Alluka Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 10
Kudos: 68





	it's gonna take a while

**Author's Note:**

> half a year too late, but i finally managed to edit and upload my piece for the hxhbb20!

**Intro.**

"I'm Killua." // "I'm Gon!"

And just like that, everything happened.

  


**100.**

"Hey Gon, wanna race to see who's at the goal first?"

"Sure. Loser has to buy dinner!"

"You're on!"

  


**99.**

"Yes! I win!"

"What are you talking about? I was clearly faster."

"No, I was."

"I was!"

"No, look, it was _definitely_ me-"

  


**98.**

The airship they end up in after their second test certainly is... something. Killua has seen bigger halls in his life, of course -- he'd grown in Zoldyck Manor, after all -- but being this high up is mesmerizing in a way Killua never experienced before.

"Whoa, look outside. It's like the ground is covered in jewels!" Gon coos and Killua can't help but agree. Gon presses his nose against the window in an attempt to see more of the sparkly ground below and Killua watches with amusement how his nose becomes white within seconds. Gon certainly is something, too; Killua didn't expect to find a friend during the Hunter Exam, but here they are. Gon is strange and superhuman in a way that even Killua thinks is creepy at times, but he's funny and might just be the first person Killua actually enjoys being around.

He hopes Gon will stick around for the next phases of the Exam. After that... Well, all good things have to come to an end eventually, don’t they?

  


**97.**

Gon deals with the whole assassin thing a lot better than Killua would have thought. Which is nice, really, because Killua would have been pretty sad if this conversation already marked the end of their friendship. But if anything, he seems intrigued, and if _that_ isn't the beginning of a great relationship (at least until the end of the Exam, Killua presumes), then he doesn't know either.

  


**96.**

"Hey Killua, teach me how to skateboard!"

They're laying on the floor some time during those fifty hours, when every fun activity has long since turned to boredom. Killua stares blankly at the ceiling for a moment before his eyes light up and he grins. "Sure!"

Gon's better at this than Killua thought he would be, but then again this seems to become the norm with Gon. Which, of course, can't be, because _Killua_ is supposed to be the best at everything and no matter that they're friends, he can't let Gon snatch that title from him.

He grins devilishly. Well then - if Gon doesn't fail himself, it might be time to assist him.

"Be careful that you don't fall off the board! Something like this-"

"Hey, you shoved me! Not fair!"

"Totally fair! ...Hey, stop chasing me! No, Leorio, tell him to stop-"

  


**95.**

In the end, of course, it doesn't matter. Killua is a puppet in the hands of his family and it was foolish to think he could ever be anything else. Now he's back and God, does he wish he was somewhere else.

"I wish I was Gon's friend. I'm sick of killing people..."

 _Gon, Gon, Gon_ pulses in his mind like a heartbeat and though Killua knows it's foolish, he hopes that somebody will come and get him out of here- 

"You'll end up wanting to kill him one day. You have the soul of a killer."

-no, give him a reason to get out of here.

_Gon, Gon, Gon._  


**94.**

Then, maybe for the first and last time, his prayers come true.

"Gon... is here?"

Well, it was getting boring here, anyways.

  


**93.**

"Killua!"

"Oh, Gon. You're here!" Killua wants to hug him so badly. Gon would probably let him, too, he does seem like the affectionate kind - but on the other hand, Killua never hugged somebody before, and he isn't sure if he wants to start that habit now. Also, the thought of getting so close to another person is...

Gon beams at him and interrupts every possible chain of thoughts Killua might have continued, so Killua settles for grinning back.

"I can't believe you're here! Your face looks like shit, what did you even do to look like that?" God, it's easy to fall back into that light banter. How he missed it. How he missed Gon.

Killua will always deny it, but it is in that moment he decides that he'll never leave Gon's side again. Not if he has any say in that matter.

  


**92.**

Killua grins. "It's been a while, but this place hasn't changed a bit."

They end up at Heaven's Arena, because Killua didn't think of breaking into the family vault to take some cash with him when he came to see Gon, which means they’re absolutely broke. Killua can't say he minds though, because at least the Heaven's Arena is fun - and he also really wants to see what Gon can do in a fight.

They also meet Zushi and before Killua can even understand what's happening, they're learning about Nen.

.

And then there’s _Hisoka_. God, the more Killua finds out about this guy, the more he wants to get as far away as possible from him. But they _do_ find out more about this whole Nen thing, and they get to stay in the Arena - and Killua definitely considers _that_ a plus. Some things just gotta be accepted, apparently.

  


**91.**

"Your right radius and ulna were both broken. Fractured humerus. Three broken ribs. Twelve other minor fractures. Four months before you're gonna be healed up again." Killua takes a very deep breath and flicks against Gon's forehead. Hard. "You moron!"

Gon has the audacity to stick out his tongue in a way that does makes him look awfully cute. "I'm sorry?"

Killua feels like he needs to fight someone right now, or he'll explode in the mess of annoyance, worry and adoration that his feelings have dissolved into.

God.

"You're lucky that you didn’t get hurt any worse!"

  


**90.**

"So you're an Enhancer, huh? That's pretty cool."

"You’re a Transmuter. That's super cool too!"

"Of course it is!"

  


**89.**

The fight with Hisoka passes more easily than Killua would have assumed, though he sure is glad Gon's still in possession of all his limbs by the time they leave the Arena.

Killua pretends to be thoughtful as they walk down the Arena's huge halls next to each other. Gon is still beaming from his success in the fight (though Killua wouldn't really count it as one) against Hisoka and Killua almost feels bad for interrupting the comfortable silence that has settled over them. But there's something he wants to settle before Gon gets any stupid ideas.

"Hey Gon," he says and Gon turns his head around to curiously look at Killua. 

"Hm?"

"Now that we're done here, let's go to your house next!", Killua says with as much faked enthusiasm as he can muster. He has listened to Gon's tales about Whale Island for nearly seven months now and though he can't say that he's overly excited at the prospect of visiting the island Gon grew up on, it would be selfish to keep Gon from his home for so long, even if Gon himself doesn't look like he wants to return that urgently. This is the first time Killua has ever had a friend. He's trying not to make any major mistakes here.

Gon doesn't seem entirely convinced. "Are you sure?", he asks like he has somehow seen through Killua's walls of self-deception.

"Yeah," Killua says and smiles. "I wanna meet your aunt Mito. It's gonna be fun, right?"

  


**88.**

"You must be Killua, right?"

Whale Island is right in the middle of summer when Gon finally returns and Killua tags along. A hazy, warm kind of summer where every moment feels as eternal as the shadows the sun burns down at high noon. Staying here is less of a burden than Killua first thought, surprisingly; Mito welcomes him with open arms and treats him like she's known him for ages, and the rest of Whale Island's inhabitants follow her example. It’s nice to be loved for once.

  


**87.**

He and Gon spend their days wandering through the island's endless hills, Gon leading the way and Killua following. It's relaxing, and before Killua has realized it, amidst of the buzzing hills, the food fights, the burning sun and the soft crashing of waves, he feels comfortable in a way he never felt back at Zoldyck Manor.

It feels good to finally have a home, he supposes.

  


**86.**

Later, they lie on their backs on the soft grass at the cliff and stare at the starry sky above them. Killua doesn't think he has ever seen that many stars before, and it's beautiful.

"Hey, Killua," Gon says and props himself up with one elbow so he can look over. "What do you wanna be in your next life?"

Where's that coming from? "Dunno," Killua says to win time. "What about you?"

Gon's smile is glowing. "In my next life I want to be me and meet you again!"

Killua thinks he's blushing. He's definitely blushing. "You're stupid." And, though he could never say it to Gon's face, he hopes that Gon secretly gets what Killua is trying to say without words: That in his next life, he really wants to meet Gon again, too.

  


**85.**

"I guess I'm a bit jealous of you - after all, you have something you're chasing after. I'm just following."

"Killua."

"Hm."

"I think it's fun to be with you - no, really, hear me out! You're my first friend."

"Yeah, it's the same for me. I guess you're my first friend, too."

"Do you have fun when we're together?"

"...I guess so."

"Then let's stick together - we can travel around and see the world together, and you go looking for something you want to do!"

"Don't you ever feel embarrassed about that stuff?"

Gon laughs and after a while, Killua joins. Stupid Gon - as if it wasn't obvious that they'd stick together. Where else would Killua go?

  


**84.**

"Killua, hey, _Killua_ , wake up!"

Killua pretends to be asleep for a moment longer, then sleepily opens one eye. "Hm? What's going on?"

"You fell asleep on my bed! And you're taking up the whole space, too!"

 _Huh?_ Oh, right, they prepared a futon for Killua earlier this evening. Too bad that Killua took the bed instead when Gon didn't show up for a while. "Bad luck," Killua mumbles with shit-eating-grin-intend that ends up more like a sleepy smile. " 'M not gonna move now. Too cozy."

He closes his eyes again and hears Gon sigh in resignation before something shoves at his side. "Well, I'm not gonna sleep on the futon either," Gon says before Killua realizes what he is doing and can abandon the bed. "Move over."

_Oh God, nononono-_

It's too late, and a soft weight settles beside Killua. Gon smells good, somehow like the island, Killua notices absently. "G'night," he mumbles sleepily and then he's out, just like that. Killua doesn't understand how a human person can fall asleep this fast. He also doesn't understand how his heart is beating as fast as it does right now.

It takes him a long time to fall asleep again.

  


**83.**

"Five hundred eighty million?"

"Five billion, eight hundred million, you idiot!"

  


**82.**

Their last day on Whale Island is almost solemn, as if they instinctively know that they won’t return any time soon. On their ship, waving Mito goodbye, Killua watches Gon with stern eyes.

“Do you think we’ll ever come back?”

Gon turns his head away from shore and smiles at him. “You’re stupid, Killua. Of course we will!” And then once more, maybe trying to convince himself: “One day, we definitely will.”

  


**81.**

The entire mess with the Phantom Troupe happens in a blur. One moment they’re busy trying to get the money for Greed Island, and the next they're at the mercy of some of the most dangerous people on the planet.

When one of them - the swordsman, Nobunaga - offers Gon a place in the Troupe, to replace the one they lost, Killua knows he has nothing to worry about, because Gon would rather die than fight alongside the people who killed Kurapika's clan.

Still, there is something reassuring when Gon yells with everything he has that he will never join them - like something deep down in Killua settles, something he didn't even know he possessed.

Later, Gon yells at him for being selfish enough to talk about dying like it's nothing. It takes Killua many years to realize the bitter irony that follows in the trails of that day.

  


**80.**

"You finally sound like yourself again, Killua!"

"What?"

"It's my job to say crazy stuff. Your job is to stay cool and stop me. So I'm counting on you!"

Oh, bitter irony indeed. 

  


**79.**

From Kurapika they also learn about restrict and vow, and if _that_ doesn’t go wrong and kill them both one day then Killua doesn't know what will.

  


**78.**

They make it out alive in the end, much to Killua's surprise. But there are more important things than the Troupe now - Greed Island is within the grasp of their hands and with the pulsing need to improve themselves to a point where Tzezgerra will let them enter the game, they don’t have to luxury of thinking about much else.

"Hey Killua, let me see your new ability!" Gon whines one evening, when they sit on the floor of their small room, exhausted from training. "I wanna seee it-"

"No way!" Killua says and snatches a choco-robot right from under Gon's nose. Gon sticks his tongue out. "You're gonna see it as soon as we pass the test for the game anyway. Until then it's a secret." He grins.

"Killuaa..."

  


**77.**

**__**_Well, that was easy._ He didn't even use _that_ much electricity - nothing in comparison to what he'd surely be able to do soon, with proper training and enough time. Now, his only worry is whether Gon will-

A loud shatter, followed by an earthquake next door.

Killua smirks. Guess there was no reason to get worried after all.

  


**76.**

"But you're playing this game to help me find my dad-"

 _You're wrong_ , Killua thinks. _The reason I'm playing this game is because_

_I want to stay with you. As long as you'll have me._

"Anyways, why were you so mad earlier?"

  


**75.**

"Killua, thanks. I'm glad you came with me. No- I'm glad to know you!"

Killua's cheeks are burning and he thinks that one of these days, Gon has to realize what the things he says do to Killua. One of these days, he has to realize how Killua really feels about him-

But today is not supposed to be that day, so Killua does the only thing he knows: He turns around so Gon can't see his face and mumbles an annoyed "Cut it out, idiot. How can you say those things with a straight face?"

At least Gon can't see the way Killua stupidly grins all the way back home.

  


**74.**

**__** _You've got it all backwards, Gon. I'm the one who should thank you. I'm the one who's glad that I got to know you._

  


**73.**

"Wow, that's amazing, Killua! You're like an electric eel!"

"Oh shut up, you're the one who decided to use Rock-Paper-Scissors as his Nen technique!"

"Huh? What's wrong with Rock-Paper-Scissors?"

  


**72.**

"Hey, welcome back! How was the Hunter Exam?"

Killua lets himself fall down on his bed with an exhausted huff. "Boring. I defeated everyone else at the first stage, so it really wasn't a challenge." He puffed his cheeks. "I thought it would be more exciting than that."

Gon starts laughing so hard that he almost falls over. "That sounds like you, Killua!"

Killua grins and stretches his arms above his head like a cat. Spending time with the Kiriko was fun and telling them about his and Gon's adventures had been less exhausting than he would have thought, but it still feels good to be back here with Gon. "Duh. So, what did you do in the meantime?"

Killua dutifully _oohs_ and _aahs_ at every spell card Gon and Bisky managed to find within the last few days - they got their hands on a pretty respectable number, after all - but what he's really curious to see is Gon's Nen. If Gon improved that much in just the four days before the game launched, how strong is he now?

Killua gets his chance a few days later, when he asks Gon about it, fair-and-square. To his surprise, Bisky lets them get out for a few hours before resuming their card-hunting and off they go, with the promise to return before dusk and with at least three new E-rank cards.

"Okay, look over here," Gon commands when they arrive at their destination - a rocky wasteland, similar to the one they trained in before - and gestures to one of the huge boulders that scatter across the area. It looks considerably heavy, at least of the kind Bisky loves to use for training when she feels sadistic. _Now_ Killua's curious.

Gon gets into a stance. "Okay, give me a second." He closes his eyes and focuses; Killua can see his aura flare up around him in spiky, flickering motions. It's pretty impressive.

"Rock, Paper..." Gon starts. His aura erupts into pure energy, so impressive that Killua whistles at the sudden Nen increase. "Paper!"

The rock moves... a bit. Killua squints his eyes and tries to measure the distance. Twenty centimeters? Thirty?

Gon buries his face in his hands and very much looks like he wants to sink into the ground right now. "Ah, this is the one I have the most problems with," he whines and inspects the boulder. "Bisky said I should probably train that one more, but it's so hard!"

"Can't say it's really impressive," Killua comments with a snicker. "Could be really useful for long-ranged attacks when you actually train it. What about the other one?" 

That brightens Gon up significantly. "Yeah, right! There's the other one, too!" He gets into position in front of the boulder again, the same stance as before. Has something changed? Killua can't say for sure.

"Rock, Paper... Scissors!" Gon all but yells and _slices_ his hand forward. From his fingers forms a glowing blade of aura that cuts through the boulder in one swift motion as if there was no obstacle at all.

The nen blade fades and the boulder crumbles into two neat halves.

_Whoa._

"That's amazing!" Killua says and actually means it. It's simple-minded, but then again, this is Gon - of course he'd do something simple-minded. And Killua is sure that in terms of raw power, one day nobody will be able to beat Gon.

Gon turns around to Killua with a huge grin and blushes at the praise. "But you're still much more amazing than I am, Killua!"

This boy.

  


**71.**

Then, the dodgeball game happens.

"I can take this - I can take one more ball. Gon, I can do this!"

Gon narrows his eyes and stares at the ground without doing as much as moving. "I already knew about Killua's hands," he says quietly. "Tzezgerra, I'm sorry, but I need Killua to hold the ball. He's the only one who can do it!"

 _That_ sets a chain of emotions within Killua in motion. There's confusion and hurt, of course; Gon _knew_ about Killua's hands and he said nothing about it. Even though Killua himself said that it was necessary, it leaves somewhat of a bitter aftertaste that Gon didn't even bother to ask Killua before he destroyed his hands.

_(Even though Killua would gladly destroy himself for Gon, over and over again.)_

But on the other hand, there's pride that swells in Killua's breast and makes him feel strangely warm. Gon trusts him with more than his life - he trusts Killua with his pride, and to Killua, that makes up for everything. Gon could have chosen anyone to hold the ball for him, but he chose Killua, and Killua will be there for him as longs as he needs him. Even if Tzezgerra offers, they both know nobody else would be able to help Gon in the same way. _It has to be Killua._

Killua grins and even the overbearing pain in his fingers seems to fade for a moment. "See? Go get some rest, old man. We'll take it from here on."

  


**70.**

"Man, you always do come up with the craziest ideas."

"Well, I'm counting on you, Killua!"

Killua laughs and doesn’t say _Well, I’m counting on you too, Gon._

  


**69.**

Watching Gon train while he still has to recover from the strain Gon's nen left on his hands is already bad enough, but it's the feeling of being useless that really sets him in a bad mood in those days Tzezgerra bought them to train. He can't do anything before his hands aren't healed and so far, they don't show any signs of getting better - they're still as swollen and violet as two days ago and every move Killua makes makes them hurt worse. Not that Killua can't take it, but it's still annoying as hell and doesn't change the fact that Killua would much rather be standing next to Gon, training alongside him inside of watching from afar.

Gon takes an abrupt break from what has been a blow-after-blow exchange with Bisky and walks over. He's battered and bruised from the training but still glows with joy.

“I want your optimism," Killua comments when Gon falls to the ground besides him, stretching his hands above his head. "How's training going?"

He knows how training is going, of course. He's been watching the entire process; from Bisky's unyielding commands to every little failure Gon has to endure before he finally gets a grasp on whatever he has to learn right now. It's nice to watch. It's frustrating as _hell._

"It's good," Gon beams, exhausted but still smiling. "It would be more fun with you, though. Training without you is kinda boring."

Killua allows himself to smile, because it is literally impossible to be depressed when you're around Gon Freecs. "Soon," he says. "And then we'll beat up these guys together, you bet."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

  


**68.**

In the night before their final day, Killua rolls over to look at Gon before they fall asleep. 

"Gon?" he whispers, so quiet that Bisky won't hear them.

"Yeah?" Gon's eyes glimmer in the pale light from their campfire.

"Are you scared? About tomorrow, I mean."

But the light in Gon's eyes isn't created from fear; it's the look of somebody who is excited out of their mind. "Of course not. I'm looking forward to defeating them!"

Killua can't help but to chuckle. "Of course you do. Sorry, that was a stupid question."

"It's fine. What about you? Are you scared?"

"Nah. We'll be fine, right?" It's more of a gamble than an absolute statement, but Gon seems satisfied with his answer.

"Yeah!" he sleepily says, then turns around and falls asleep within seconds. Killua watches his chest rise slowly up and down, watches how the fire reflects on his brown skin. He's beautiful, really.

Killua turns around too and tries to ignore the heavy feeling in his chest. 

  


**67.**

The festival that greets them when Gon comes back from the palace is a blast, overwhelming in cheering and gifts and celebrations. Bisky gets hold of the karaoke microphone within ten minutes and Gon and Killua watch in half-awe, half-cringe as she flawlessly performs every top-20-song out there.

Gon is pulled away by some random villager girl to dance and Killua watches with amusement as Gon tumbles across the dancefloor with clumsy movements that seem so unlike him. It's fun to watch, especially when Gon stumbles over his own legs after a minute and it's only thanks to the girl that he doesn't actually fall. Killua almost isn't jealous.

Later, Gon stumbles up to him again with wobbly legs and grins. "Killua, come on, let's dance!"

Killua jerks back and heat rises up to his cheeks. "What?"

"Come on, don't be like that!" When Killua doesn't make any attempt to move, Gon actually takes his wrist with both hands and pulls. Killua isn't entirely sure he's not cheating a little bit by using Nen.

Finally, Killua sighs and lets himself get pulled up to the dancefloor, cheeks still burning red. It's less of an embarrassment than he suspected, but he still gets dizzy by the way Gon flashes a grin at him and puts his hands on Killua's shoulders like it's nothing.

Well, there are worse things.

  


**66.**

"So? What will you do once you find Ging?"

"Naturally, I'll introduce him to Killua! My best friend in the whole world!"

"Stupid! Cut that out! It's embarrassing."

Killua likes to consider himself an expert conman; 99% of the time, he's good at concealing his emotions, good at making people believe what he says. Now is not one of those times, and he really hopes that Gon didn't notice how close he is to crying.

  


**65.**

The Chimera Ants were easy to fight. Of course, there were many of them and some of them even learned Nen - something Kite said was the worst case scenario - but they were still on their level. They could fight them, and the three of them could stop the Ants from escaping the NGL. This would be another one of their dangerous fights, but not a deadly one. The ants were simply another enemy they had to beat to get stronger.

  


**64.**

At least, that's what Killua thought. At least that's what they all thought.

  


**63.**

Until Neferpitou happened.

  


**62.**

Sitting beside an unconscious Gon, safe while Kite died for them, makes Killua sure of one thing: Gon will hate him now. Because Killua is the one responsible: The one who knocked Gon out; the one who forced Kite to face his fate alone. Killua is sure that they wouldn't have been able to win, but he also knows Gon, and one thing is certain: To Gon, it doesn't matter if he wins or loses, as long as he follows his ideals.

Killua broke those ideals today.

"Killua... Thank you."

So it comes as a surprise to him, when Gon wakes and he doesn't seem like he resents Killua - thanks him, even, for not letting him lose control, and for not getting in Gon's way. It's a bitter thanks, to Killua, and it gets worse when Gon says that he's sure Kite's still alive, but when Killua looks at Gon - really looks at him, sees beyond his looks and into the essence that makes him _Gon_ , he can't help but to believe him. Maybe Kite still had a chance, without them there. Maybe he was able to run away like they did.

Killua looks at Gon and something comes to his mind, something somebody said to him long ago: _Gon is a light too bright for your eyes. If you stay with him, you'll end up wanting to kill him one day._

Killua looks at Gon and thinks that he has never wanted to kill somebody less.

  


**61.**

_Gon. You are light. Sometimes, you shine so brightly I have to look away. But even so, is it still okay if I stay by your side?_

"Let's go."

  


**60.**

They meet Palm shortly after, an experience that Killua in all honesty would rather have avoided. Especially because some of the things she says hit way too close to home for Killua's taste.

"Don't worry, I only respect my teacher," Palm is assuring them while piling an ungodly amount of sugar on her coffee. There's nothing romantic about my feelings... Or at least, I wish that was the case."

Okay, they need to get out of here. _Fast._ No matter that she belongs to Chairman Netero and the other two - he and Gon will have to find another way to join them in the NGL, because Killua will _not_ spend another minute listening to this woman. Too bad that Gon, eager as always to make new friends, absolutely doesn't look like he plans to leave anytime soon. After Palm and Hisoka, Killua should really give Gon a crash course on how to avoid weird people - he thinks Gon might need it.

Then, Palm says: "Of course, my teacher knows nothing about this. I haven't said a word to him and I don't intend to." And _ouch_ , that somehow hits differently. Painfully. Killua doesn't know that woman, but regarding the fact that he definitely didn't come here to be called out like that, he instantly dislikes her even more.

"But nobody can say what will happen, right?" Palm looks at them like she actually expects an answer. Neither of them give her one. "After all, love is a quite spontaneous thing, right?"

Killua glances over at Gon, completely unbothered by the whole monologue. _Yeah, no. I really don't think so._

  


**59.**

Weirdly enough, Gon seems to get attached to Palm over the course of the next few days. Killua doesn't know how, or why, but he very strongly suspects black magic to be involved somehow.

"Don't you think that this is gonna go wrong pretty fast pretty soon?" Killua quietly asks one day over dinner, while Gon once again fulfills his assigned job of keeping Palm under control (and from killing them) with way too much enthusiasm. A pinky swear is involved. Killua cannot believe this boy and his ability to make the most threatening of situations somehow happy through sheer willpower. "One of these days, she's gonna snap and kill us all in our sleep."

Bisky grins. "By the time that happens, I'll be safe and out of the country. I trust you two to handle the situation accordingly."

Killua almost throws his spoon at her. "You old hag!"

  


**58.**

"Killua, in a Nen battle, you can't start thinking about whether you'll win or not. If you do that, you'll just run away again. And somewhere down the line, you'll leave Gon to die, if it means you can save yourself."

Bisky is a harsh teacher, and she doesn't shy away from the truths Killua has avoided for thirteen long years.

  


**57.**

It's only when they are forced to watch Knuckle and Shoot leave that Gon breaks down - and Killua realizes that for all they shared, for all the time they were together, he has never before seen Gon cry.

"I've never known how frustrating losing could be," Gon sobs. Killua watches him silently, wishes he could do something; the taste of his own defeat is still bitter in his heart and damn Illumi for breaking him the way he did.

In the end, he settles for putting a hand on Gon's shoulder, wondering if he is even allowed this much physical contact or if Gon would push him away, and guides him back to the car silently. They can't do much, now, except hope. Pray, maybe that everyone will return safely. That Kite, against all odds, is still alive.

Back in the car, Killua makes a silent promise to Gon. And this time, he intends to keep it. Whatever it takes.

And after that, it will be goodbye. Bisky's words still resonate in the back of his mind - this will be better for both of them.

  


**56.**

"I still can't believe you simply agreed to go on a date with Palm!"

Killua is still fuming when they enter the gym. "Right now, like, twenty seconds before, she wanted to kill you! And you just agree to go out with her?"

"Don't worry Killua, it's just a date," Gon says with a laughter that's probably meant to be reassuring. Killua isn't reassured at all. "She won't try to harm me, I'm sure."

"Sometimes I wonder how you're still alive with all of your naivety," Killua grumbles, but decides not to push the subject further. Well, not much further, anyway. "Just take care of yourself tomorrow, okay? I'm worried about you, now that you can't use Nen because of Knuckle."

Gon smiles at him. "You don't have to be, I promise. But thanks."

"Yeah, don't mention it. I'm still gonna be worried, you know?"

But Gon acts like he doesn't hear him. Classic. If only Killua didn't like him so much.

  


**55.**

"Have you been on a date before?"

"Sure I have!"

Killua almost drops the weights he's lifting. That's... something. He doesn't know if he'll be able to recover from that so quickly.

  


**54.**

"Well, what about you, Killua? Have you ever been?"

"Of course not! I've only ever trained as an assassin and then I've been with you." _And I really don't want that to change._ "There wasn't really time for things like that.”

For a moment, Killua loses control over his emotions that he'd so carefully set aside and they come back to him with full force. That's how he ends up wishing that just for once, fate will play his way and Gon will actually ask him out on a date, too.

But of course, nothing happens. How could it ever, when Gon sees Killua only as a best friend? And for all that Killua wants for them to be something more, he's quite satisfied with what they are now. If he can wish for one thing, it's that _this_ will never change.

  


**53.**

Of course, he can't just leave Gon alone with Palm, especially not with the promise Killua made back in the car. So he does the only reasonable thing: grab a disguise and hide in eyesight, where he can make sure that Palm doesn't try anything funny. Oddly enough though, nothing happens - not from Palm, anyway.

The Chimera Ant is coming to kill him. Killua can't use Nen, because it would alert Gon and Palm, and there is Illumi, forcing himself into Killua's head once again, telling him to leave, to run to see another day.

To leave Gon behind to die.

 _No._ Killua can't take this anymore. He can't stand to run away again. _Because Gon is my best friend in the whole world._

Killua finds the needle Illumi placed in his head, years ago.

The Ant doesn't stand a chance.

  


**52.**

Of course, when he returns and doesn't find them, he scolds himself because he should have known. He shouldn't have let Gon go alone, he shouldn't have left them while he went to fight that Chimera Ant-

Luckily, he finds them unharmed, though Palm reverted back to her usual, mad self. Finally, he snatches Gon from her and sprints across the streets, Gon safely tucked away under Killua's arm and staring at him with what might be quiet admiration or simply wonder over what just happened. Killua is never sure when it comes to Gon.

"Stop it, Killua," he finally says. Oh. "You'll just make her angrier!"

They continue bickering, but Killua doesn't let go of Gon and Gon doesn't make any real attempts to make Killua, so in the end, they're good. Later, they hear that Knov is finally here and will probably stop Palm from any further attempts to kill them.

Well, all that ends well.

  


**51.**

"Hey, Gon," Killua says and then decides not to say anything, because he feels like he might say something really stupid if he continues. Gon has to physically get up and roll over from his own futon to nudge Killua, before Killua can even be bothered to say: "Nah, it was nothing important, don't worry. Sorry I woke you up."

"Oh come on, Killua, don't be like that. What did you want to say?"

"Really, it's nothing."

"Killuaaa!"

"Oh come on, okay." Killua rolls over so he faces the ceiling - so he doesn't have to look Gon in the eyes when he speaks. Then, abruptly, he asks: "You talked about dating the other day, but have you ever thought about being in love? Like, you know, when this is all over. Falling in love, getting married, that sort of thing." God, he really should have just stayed silent. This is a conversation that won't do anything for either of them.

"Oh." Gon pauses to think for long enough that it makes Killua feel really uneasy. "Not really, no," which _does_ sound a little hypocritical for someone who just went on a date with Palm, but who is Killua to call him out for it? "Why, have you?"

 _Yes_ , a stupid part of Killua's brain wants to say. A _very_ stupid one. One that Killua almost listens to, because at night, when it's dark and Killua almost can't see Gon's face, it's so much easier to acknowledge the thoughts Killua has had about Gon over the years. But, of course, it doesn't change anything about the fact that it would be a very stupid thing to tell Gon about these thoughts - no matter how much Killua wants to sometimes.

"Nah, I was just wondering." Killua hopes he sounds sincere, but from the looks of it, Gon takes up on the slight trembling in his voice. Of course he does. He shoots Killua a questioning looks - one that says _I can see that you're not telling the truth but I won't expose you for it -_ but doesn't press the subject further.Killua is thankful for that. Gon might not have a clue what subtlety is, but he knows when not to cross a boundary.

Killua will tell him anyway, one day. When the time comes.

  


**50.**

It's heartbreaking, watching Gon fight what is essentially Kite's corpse, only that Gon won't acknowledge it. It rips and tears apart and then it breaks something deep inside Killua. He wonders if Gon would do the same if it had been Killua instead.

  


**49.**

"Gon, that's enough. Don't kill him."

"Huh? Oh, Killua, thank you! I'm sorry, Mr. Morel, I really was about to kill you right now!"

Killua always knew Gon could be terrifying when he wanted to be, but this marked the first time he was actually afraid of him.

  


**48.**

At the bottom of that cave, Killua lies in a puddle of blood. He would probably be pissed if he wasn't so tired; just that fight right now gave him an idea of how to make use his aura better, but he'd probably never get to try it. Not when he's going to bleed to death here.

Killua thinks of Gon. Thinks of the last words he's said to him when they split up, only a few days ago, and how sorry he is for letting their final words be such a harsh thing. Thinks about how ironic it is, that he wants to escape this cave not for his own sake, but so he can see Gon again. Is it love or friendship that makes him think this way? Killua can't tell.

He closes his eyes.

  


**47.**

It's a wonder that Ikalgo was able to get him to a doctor in time, but Killua will take it.

There are more important things anyways: For example, that Gon picks up on the first ring and that Killua, after five long days, gets to hear his voice again. Even if Gon yells so loudly that for a moment, Killua's actually afraid that his eardrums might explode.

"I missed you too," Killua half-laughs, then winces because he might be out of lethal danger for now, but that doesn't mean his wounds are magically healed up and stopped hurting. "Sorry, a strong enemy gave me some trouble, but I'm fine now. What happened on your side?"

Killua listens to Gon's explanations about their new ally, promises he'll rejoin them soon and hangs up. Then, he turns to Ikalgo with something that almost resembles a smile. "Come on, let's go."

  


**46.**

In the night before the infiltration, when everyone else has long since fallen asleep, Gon sits up quietly. "Killua?"

Killua props himself up on one elbow. "I'm awake. What's going on?"

"Are you scared? Of tomorrow, I mean."

Killua pretends to think. "I might be," he finally says. "Not because I might die but because if we lose, there won't be anybody to stop them anymore."

There is one other reason, but Killua won't tell Gon that he's worried that Gon will kill himself in his chase for revenge. Gon wouldn't want to hear it. "What about you? Are you scared?"

"No." Gon's eyes don't belong to somebody who is barely fourteen. Too cold. Too merciless. "I just want this to end."

  


**45.**

When Killua finds Gon again, he stands on a rooftop, staring at one of the palace's domes. Without a fail, Killua knows that this must be the location where Pitou is. Nobody else would justify the pure, blank hatred in Gon's eyes, or the lust for murder.

Killua hesitates for a heartbeat, then jumps to stand beside Gon. He doesn't dare to say something.

  


**44.**

"Pitou is over there," Gon says. "Let's go." Before Killua can even react, he's gone.

 _Let's go - in which sense did you mean that?_ Killua silently asks and presses his lips together in order to control himself. Even so, he almost shouts the question out loud. If he asks this question, he won't be able to stop anymore. And it is the fear of losing somebody he loves that keeps him in his shackles.

  


**43.**

It hurts. It hurts so much, watching Gon destroy himself in front of Pitou - Pitou, who is healing the girl that none of them knew about - that Killua thinks he might rip himself apart at every moment.

He doesn't want Gon to end like this. He doesn't want them to end like this.

  


**42.**

"You have it easy, Killua. You're perfectly calm, since you don’t have to care about any of this."

  


**41.**

God, as awful as it sounds, he isn't even angry right now. He's not sure if he feels anything, honestly - but the lack of emotions in his heart might be worse than rage. Deep down, Killua knows that it won't let him feel better, that it will just make his misery worse, but in the end, he just resorts to violence again. Youpi makes a perfect target.

"Sorry, but I need someone to blow off some steam. You happen to be in the way."

  


**40.**

Of course, it does nothing to make him feel better. In the end, Killua's aura runs out before he can finish Youpi off and Meleoron has to get him out to save both of their lives.

When they're back at the palace, in relative safety for the moment, Killua has cooled off enough that he can keep a conversation with Meleoron without wanting to scream out loud. At least he's still good at pretending everything's okay, that's good.

"Once I'm charged up I'm going back to Gon," he says and closes his fingers tighter around the cable on his wrist. Electricity flickers around his hand, illuminates his skin in a ghostly blue. "You go back to Knuckle, he needs you more than I do right now."

Instead of arguing, Meleoron accepts the plan as it is. Killua silently thanks him for that - he doesn't have the energy to argue right now. "What about you guys?"

"Once Gon is like that, he won't budge," Killua says. He doesn't know what drives him to answer honestly, but he does it anyway. Meleoron seems like he's trustworthy enough to know about Killua's real plans. "I'll go after him, of course. At worst, it'll be a lover's suicide, I guess."

He bites his own tongue right afterwards, then, because _that_ really wouldn't have been necessary. Running around, shouting about the feelings he so exhaustively locked away for the last year. Though, Killua supposes, after today it won't matter anyway. He won't be there to see the consequences anymore.

If Meleoron is surprised by the implication of Killua's words, he doesn't show it. The only thing on his face is shock. Well, Killua can't blame him for that. 

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding!" Killua backpedals immediately. Whatever happens, they don't need a panicked Meleoron right now. "It'll be fine, I got the magic word "Kite" on my side! I have it under control, trust me."

If only he could believe his own words.

  


**39.**

The meeting with Palm marks his breakdown.

He is just buying time, so he can come up with an idea to defeat her. He is just buying time with no intention of actually saying anything true, anything that could be used against him - but nevertheless, the tears that run down his face are burning and hot and cloud his vision. And before he realizes it, he's crying full-on, because Gon is somewhere on his way to die, because Palm might be the only one able to help him right now, because it isn't Killua who can save him.

Goddammit. He really is that weak, isn't he? Crying in front of an enemy, just because of Gon.

He breaks down on the floor, and then he lets it all out. 

  


**38.**

Ironically, Palm is the one comforting him. Her words - _"You are the one Gon needs most"_ \- actually help Killua to snap out of it for a second, and when he does, something in his head has cleared.

He goes to find Gon.

  


**37.**

"Pitou and I will go by ourselves", Gon says. Twenty minutes ago, this would have hurt. Now, Killua is just numb. It's better not to get in their way after all; Pitou could use him as a hostage against Gon, and though Killua isn't entirely sure anymore, he still thinks Gon would prioritize him over his revenge. Would probably get himself killed in the process too, just to save Killua. That can't happen.

So yeah, he's fine watching Gon and Pitou leave. Totally fine.

If Gon gets into serious trouble, Killua will be by his side in a heartbeat, anyway. It is a lover's suicide, after all.

  


**36.**

"Something is wrong." Palm stops dead in her tracks and all at once, all of Killua's worst fears come true. "Something is wrong with Gon."

It takes Killua less than a heartbeat to make the decision and Kanmuri lights up his body all at once.

_Wait for me to get there, Gon!_  


**35.**

It's too late when he arrives. Too late to stop Gon. Too late to die with him.

Too late for everything.

  


**34.**

"Gon, is that you?"

"Killua?"

  


**33.**

Gon.

  


**32.**

**__** _Gon._  


**31.**

_"Gon!"_  


**30.**

Gon launches his last attack against a dead Pitou and doesn't care what happens to him in return. Killua yells his name. Gon looks up. And the world explodes.

It's somehow comforting that it alls ends as it was always supposed to end. The two of them, together.

  


**29.**

For a long, long time, there is nothing.

  


**28.**

Later, Killua opens his eyes with burn marks all over his body and his head ringing. He's alive. He is alive, but what happened to-

There's a motionless body, maybe ten meters away from him. Gon has reverted back to his old self, only his hair is still as long as in that terrible moment. He doesn't move. Doesn't breathe.

Is he?

He can't be.

No. This wasn't in the plan, this wasn't allowed to be-

Killua musters up what little strength he has left to stumble to his feet and run over to Gon. He isn't breathing, or maybe so lightly that Killua can't sense it; but Killua touches his throat anxiously and breathes in relief. There is a heartbeat. Faint, but it exists. Gon is still alive. There is still hope left for the two of them.

Killua tries to summon Nen but fails to. The fight against Shaiapouf and sprinting to where Gon and Pitou were took all he had left from him. He can't even muster up a spark right now.

Still, that won't stop him. Killua won't be the one who let Gon die. He won't ever leave Gon behind. So he crouches down, takes one of Gon's arms and slings it over his shoulder. Takes one step and almost stumbles. Takes another and feels like he might pass out any second.

Step by step, he makes his way back to the palace.

  


**27.**

It's nice, hearing about what happens after the King dies. To hear that the ants found back to their families, to hear that everyone survived. Even that Kite is still alive, as impossible as it may sound. But it doesn't change anything about the fact that Killua is still sitting in front of a covered hospital bed and the only sound ringing through the room is the life support. They say he's in critical condition; they don't say if he'll ever recover from it.

 _In the end you really did it, huh?_ Killua thinks and wonders about how bitter his thoughts sound. _You said we would go together, and then you went and killed Pitou alone. You did everything alone, and left me behind. And I wanted you to ask me to help you!_

_When you said 'let's go' - did you say it as a teammate or as a friend?_

Killua stands up. "Well," he says to nobody in particular, "that’s just my personal tantrum, don’t worry. In the end, it's the same as always. You run ahead and I clean up behind you."

Then, he makes a promise to clean up this particular mess. This time, he won't fail. His shoulders are shaking.

"I'm gonna heal you up, and then you'll have to apologize!"

  


**26.**

"Hey, Alluka. Sorry I left you here alone for so long."

"It's alright! I'm happy you're here!"

  


**25.**

**__**_Just a bit longer, Gon_ , Killua thinks as he carries a sleeping Alluka into the room they built just for them. Just for Gon. _Just a little bit longer._

  


**24.**

There is a beat of silence after Nanika lets go of Gon's hand. For a moment, nothing happens and the unshakable faith that Killua had in Alluka's powers begins to weaken. What if even Nanika couldn't remove the curse Gon had put on himself?

But then, Gon takes a breath - on his own, without help from the life support. And another one, deeper than the last.

Then, he opens his eyes and Killua almost begins to cry right here, right now.

"Killua?"

Nobody must know about Nanika’s powers.

So when Gon blinks and looks again, Killua is gone.

Dammit, he might really start crying now.

  


**23.**

All that's well ends well. When he sees Gon again, the restriction on Killua and Alluka has been lifted and there's no reason to hide anything anymore. Gon yells "Killua!" and _runs_ across the street and the next thing Killua knows is that he's wrapped in a tight hug. Gon is in his arms, breathing, alive, well, and everything is fine all at once.

God, he missed this. He missed him.

Killua lifts his arms and hugs Gon back with everything he's got. They stand there for several moments with neither making any attempts to move, only hug each other tighter. Then, Killua slowly untangles himself from Gon's arms and takes a step back to look at Gon - properly look at him. "Hi" he says with all the adoration of a fourteen-year-old boy who just got back the most important person in his life. "Welcome back."

Gon returns his smile. How long has it been since Killua has seen one of those smiles on him? One that isn't fueled by determination, by the intent to see something cruel through till the end? Too long, that's for sure. "Hi. I missed you."

"Idiot." Killua grins and flicks against Gon's forehead and Gon winces playfully. "Did you even realize I was gone?"

"I did! And I missed you!" Gon rubs his forehead and finally looks at the person behind Killua. "Who's that?"

Killua beams, because now he can finally introduce his two favorite people in the world to each other. "Gon, meet my little sister, Alluka. She's the one who healed you."

Alluka waves and beams when Gon makes a _Whoa!_ noise. "You did this all by yourself?", Gon asks, positively astonished. "That's amazing!"

"Well, it technically wasn't Alluka alone. Gon, wanna meet Nanika?"

As expected, Gon loves Nanika, too. It fills Killua's heart with a special kind of fondness, watching them talk like that; he's glad that the people who are the most important to him get along so well.

But there's still one thing he hasn't told Gon yet.

"Isn't she amazing?" Killua asks proudly and receives an affirmative nod in return. He beams. "Well, Illumi is still trying to find us, you know? Because he thinks Nanika is dangerous. So we'll have to run away for a while. Stay in hiding, that sort of thing."

That really seems to shut up Gon for a second and Killua almost regrets not asking him if he'll join them. But no matter how much he wants to, how much he longs for seeing, talking to Gon as much as possible, he knows that some distance will be good for both of them. There's so much both of them have to work through and Killua doesn't know if they ever will if they stay together.

After a moment of consideration, Gon tilts his head. "Sounds like a good idea. Where will you go?"

Killua breathes out in relief. It seems he was worried for nothing.

  


**22.**

"Killua, I need to tell you something."

"Hm? What is it?"

They are laying on a cliff somewhere, high grass around them softly whispering in the approaching breeze. It's a warm day and Alluka is somewhere close by, collecting flowers. It's peaceful -- something Killua always wanted more than everything.

But Gon looks serious when he props himself up on elbow and looks at Killua. "I'm sorry. When we were fighting the Chimera Ants, I got confused and I... I said some terrible things to you. I shouldn't have said them, and I'm sorry for that."

Killua looks at him for a long, long moment. "You know I'm not actually angry with you because of that, right?"

"Huh? You're not?"

Killua sighs, and rolls over so he faces the sky instead. He's not sure if he can look at Gon while he says this. "No, you idiot. I'm angry with you because you said we'd do this together, and then you just... went to go die alone! I wanted to be by your side!"

Silence. And then:

"Killua. _Killua_."

"What."

"I won't apologize for not letting you die with me."

"Why not? It wouldn't make a difference in the end, right?"

Killua is uncomfortably aware of the fact that Gon's directly looking at him. Amber eyes burn into his skin and seem to read all the emotions Killua has kept secret from Gon for so long.

"Of course it would make a difference!" Gon almost-shouts, before he restrains himself. He probably doesn't want Alluka to notice. "You shouldn't have to die for me! I don't _want_ you to die for me!"

"Even if I wanted to?" Killua quietly says. His heart feels so heavy.

"Of course not!" Killua doesn't think he remembers a time when Gon has looked this offended at something. This helpless in the face of something. It makes him want to hug Gon, hold him tight and never let him go again. He doesn't do it. "If you want to die, that's even worse!"

Killua stares blankly at the sky, tries to follow the few fleeting clouds with his eyes. "Well, I won't say I'm sorry for that either. I would do it again, you know?"

Gon lies down again, closer to Killua this time. Killua can hear him breathe. "You really shouldn't, you know?"

"I don't want to be left behind by you, when you promise that we'll do this together." He doesn't think he's ever been this honest before. "I don't want to lose you. But, I think I can see why you did that. Though, I don't find it good."

Gon takes a deep breath besides him. He's warm. "I'd probably do the same thing if it were you. But that doesn't mean it's okay!"

"Yeah, well. We've kind of hit a wall there, haven't we?" Killua laughs, but it's humorless.

"What if we just promise to never get into that situation again?" Gon asks abruptly. "That I will never have to leave you behind again and that you won't ever have to think about dying with me. That way, we won't have to talk about it anymore."

Promise, huh? Killua knows how much those mean to Gon. He supposes it could be worse. "Okay. Promise."

Gon noticeably relaxes next to him.

"So we're good?" Killua asks, cautiously. He never even imagined a point where they'd talk over their shared issues, much less one where they actually sort-of resolved them. This sounds kinda too good to be true.

"Yeah," says Gon and smiles. "We're good." The wind waves lazily through his hair. He is the most beautiful thing Killua has ever seen.

  


**21.**

"What do you mean, your Nen isn't working anymore?"

"I dunno, I just can't see it anymore. Maybe it's some sort of blockade?"

Killua furrows his brows. Nanika should have restored everything in Gon's body, including his Nen. Was there something they'd missed?

"Well, it's fine, though! I don't need it right now, so I can work on getting it back later. Right now, I just wanna meet Ging!"

Oh.

  


**20.**

When they arrive at the World Tree, they go sightseeing. Killua doesn't think he's had that much fun in a long time; they plunder the ice cream shop, eat steamed buns and take a tourist photo right in front of the tree. It's fun - it's amazing. Killua wants to live in this moment forever, where he can just be happy alongside Gon and Alluka and doesn't have to think about anything else.

Then, the time comes.

"This is as far as we'll go," Killua says. "Be careful, right?"

Gon nods. "Killua, thank you for everything!" He's saying the words with such an earnest, soft voice that Killua can't help but to blush a little bit, despite his best resolutions. He'll probably never be immune to Gon's effect on him.

Once upon a time, Killua would have said that friends don't need to thank each other. Now, he takes it with gratitude. "Yeah! Don’t worry, I'll email you from time to time."

"Me too. Let me know if anything interesting comes up. I'll do the same!"

"Yeah, I will. Say hi to your dad for me - I wanna come with you, but I've got to watch Alluka. See you around."

"After I've had my brother to myself for a while, I'll set him free again," Alluka says cheerfully. Killua loves her so much. "Will you hang out with him then? I'm sure he'll miss you."

"Hey, wait a second!", Killua protests before Alluka can say anything else. Like potentially compromising information on Killua's feelings. "I'm the one choosing to hang out with him, not the other way around!" To Gon, he says: "Isn't she a great sister? Sorry, but as far as I'm concerned, right now you're second place." It's a lie. But Killua can't have two number ones in his life, not right now.

Gon laughs.

Killua smiles and lets him go.

  


**19.**

"Kite said that no matter where we go, we'll always be friends!" 

"Yeah!"

When he's sure Gon won't look back anymore, Killua turns around and doesn't look back either, because he feels like he'd start crying if he would. Or do something stupid; run and catch up to Gon, hold him tight and never let him go again. Where Gon would go, Killua would follow, side by side and never apart again. All it would take is for Killua to turn around, to shout his best friend's name and to get over his own, bitter pride.

Killua does neither of these things. Maybe it's for the best, because Gon doesn't either and Killua couldn't bear to see it.

  


**18.**

Five and a half weeks pass before he hears from Gon again. When he does, it's in the form of a blurry selfie in front of what seems like an archaeological site, completely with a temple in ruins and tendrils all over the crumbling marble. He's grinning into the camera, his hair slightly longer, his skin darker than it was when Killua saw him last. It's a good look on him. Killua's heart jumps a little.

Under the picture, it says "I'm traveling with Kite and the others right now. It's super fun! What about you?"

Killua smiles and puts his phone away. He'd answer later.

"Who texted you, brother?" Alluka asks over the huge sundae they share. While Killua wasn't looking, two-thirds of it mysteriously disappeared.

Killua shakes his head. "No one important. Want another sundae?"

"Sure!"

  


**17.**

He texts back later, when they're laying on their stomachs on the hotel beds and Alluka is playing some game on her phone. She's talking to someone - Nanika, Killua assumes. She doesn't see how Killua bites his lip to keep it from shaking.

It's okay. He promised Alluka he would protect her - and Nanika - for the rest of his life and he's okay with this. He just wishes he could have somehow split himself into two, to travel with Gon at the same time. He sighs. It's difficult, suddenly having two priorities and not knowing how to choose between them.

In his hands, the selfie Gon sent earlier that day smiles brightly at him.

Finally, Killua collects himself and sends back a short text: _Everything's fine here. Alluka really wants to see some mountains, so we might visit Rokaria next. Wherever you are, it looks fun! Send some more pictures, come on._ He sends it before he can think about it too much. 

Exhaling, he puts down the phone and pulls the blanket over his head. No, he doesn't regret 

his decision. But Gon is always in the back of his mind, even now.

  


**16.**

Two months in, Alluka finds him on the rooftop in the middle of the night. She doesn't ask any questions, just hands him a blanket and sits down next to him.

"Thanks," he says quietly.

Alluka hums softly. Then, she asks the question Killua has dreaded the most. "You miss him, don't you? Am I the thing that's keeping you away from him?"

God, Alluka is only eleven years old, but she might be the sharpest person Killua has ever encountered. He takes a deep breath, turns to her and puts his hands on her shoulders. How does he say this? He doesn't know. "Alluka, I'm here with you because I want to, okay?"

Alluka nods, eyes wide. "But you still miss him."

"I..." It's no use. He can't lie to Alluka. "Yeah. I do. I really do."

"That's okay." Alluka smiles. "Don't worry, I already told you, didn't I? I won't keep you to myself forever."

"But- Illumi is still out there! It isn't safe for you alone!"

"Brother. It's fine. Really. I can take care of myself."

Killua wants to protest, wants to say that she really can't, but in the end, he can't force himself to put up a fight. If Alluka doesn't want to stay here - and if, by extension, Nanika doesn't, either - Killua can't force them to stay anyway. 

So he presses his lips together and stares at the quiet city. Below them, some lights hush through the streets. It's almost peaceful. "Okay," he says, finally. "If you want to, I can't stop you. But stay with me for a bit longer?"

"Of course."

  


**15.**

The answer from Gon follows only two days later, and it's notably longer than the last one, with several images attached. In it, he talks about the sites they visited, the people he's met and the places he's seen. He sounds happy and Killua is happy for him.

This time, Killua doesn't bother waiting until evening to read Gon's message, instead stops still in his tracks in the middle of the sidewalk and reads through it right there. Alluka has to physically pull him to the side so nobody runs into him. He smiles as he reads about Gon's adventures. Until he gets to the last sentence and frowns.

_Anyway, Kite has told me about one of his contacts that does Nen research, and he says that they might be able to help me! Looking forward to that :)_

Gon can get his Nen back? That is... something. Killua is happy for him, but at the same time, he can't fight off the images that still linger from the fight with Pitou. What would stop Gon from doing the same thing again, if somebody close to him would die again.

Well, Killua has no influence on that, he supposes. He'll just have to trust Gon that it will turn out differently next time.

He presses _answer_ and types his reply.

  


**14.**

The longing builds up over the next few weeks, then the months following them. Alluka brings up the subject of Gon for a few more times but Killua always tries to convince her to travel with him a bit longer - he's glad, because it means she's safe. But still, Killua can't deny that he really wishes he could see Gon in more than blurry photos and the occasional video call. Wishes he could hear his voice not over a broken internet connection but in person. Wishes he could finally hug Gon again.

For Alluka's sake, he doesn't act on the longing, but he can feel it eat at him a bit more every single day.

Until one day, Alluka sits down on the floor of their shared motel room and declares: 

"Brother, I think it's time that you meet Gon again."

Killua swallows, because he knows what she's implying: that she and Nanika want to wander off on their own, that Killua will be forced into a position where he won't be able to protect them anymore. He knows that they need it - but he also doesn't want to let go.

"Already?" he finally asks, voice close to breaking. "Do you really want to leave that badly?"

Alluka gives him a smile, so soft that Killua instantly knows that she completely sees through him. "We can meet Gon together," she says. "If you want. Nanika and I can leave after that, sometime."

He... didn't consider that possibility. Always thought that having two number one priorities was a conflict, that they couldn't coexist in Killua's small world. He didn't think that he could have both, at the same time, without having to make a sacrifice for it.

"I don't know," he says although there is only one path left for him to take, anyways. "I guess I need to think about it."

"Yeah," Alluka smiles. "That's alright."

But her words stay with him and it doesn't take long until He finally snaps a few days later, in the middle of the night when Alluka is soundly asleep next to him and Killua has given up on getting any sleep at all tonight. Too many things keep him awake and after a few hours he admits defeat and finally, finally turns on his phone.

The message he sends is short but unmistakably clear. _Hey, do you wanna meet up sometime again?_

It's been almost two years.

  


**13.**

Maybe he does, against all odds, fall asleep sometime in the middle of the night, because the next thing he knows is waking up on the floor, sunshine in their window and an excited message from Gon in his inbox.

 _Sure!!!_ it reads. _When do you wanna meet? And where??_

Killua grins and types his reply. 

  


**12.**

In the end, they decide on meeting where they parted: at the roots of the World Tree, Yggdrasil. Killua and Alluka arrive there two hours early, mainly due to Killua's nerves (which aren't acting up, Killua always has his own emotions under control, thank you very much). So they decide to spend the time with sightseeing and looking for one of the nice cafés this area supposedly has that they missed last time. Two years are a long time but not long enough to erase the memory of the streets from Killua's mind, so they find their ways through the city with ease. But even as they sit down in a nice café on the place in front of the Tree, Killua can't help but to feel a bit uneasy. It's been two years since they last saw each other in person. Two years is a long time; what if they changed beyond recognition? What if they lost what made them stick together in the first place?

His thoughts double over with unknown variables, but in the end it just boils down to this:

"Killuaaa!"

Killua turns around. There, with shining eyes, running straight towards him, is:

"Gon!"

Killua has barely time to properly stand up and brace himself before Gon _leaps_ and hugs Killua in one swift motion, crushing at least three of his bones in the process. Killua doesn't think he's been this overwhelmingly happy in a long, long time. More than two years, that's for sure. He hugs back.

“Gon,” Killua says and wonders how he could have survived so long without Gon in his arms. “I missed you. So, so much.” 

Gon, unbelievably, tightens their hug and whispers back: “I missed you so, so much too.” His voice sounds like he’s choking back tears. Everything is going to be alright now.

  


**11.**

They sit down in the café again, and Gon and Alluka say hi to each other too, happy to see each other again. Gon orders a soda and they finally catch up.

"So, what did you even do in all that time?" Killua asks, as if they didn't write each other every week during the last two years. "Did you become a cool hunter?" He doesn't ask about Gon's Nen, because he thinks that Gon will probably tell him about that in his own time. He never mentioned it in his texts; there must be a reason for that, Killua assumes and respects that. In time, he will learn about that, too.

Gon, of course, beams. "I did! There were so many cool things we saw. I think I wanna become a Beast Hunter one day." He's grown over the last two years, in a way Killua couldn't see over the photos and occasional video chats they had. He's more muscular, but in a lean way, and his skin is tanned from the sun. His hair's longer than Killua remembers, too. There are things one cannot estimate over images alone, and if anything, he's become more attractive over the course of the last years. Killua really doesn't know how to feel about that. He's only glad that he himself has grown, too, so he's still eye-to-eye with Gon.

"Oh? That's great." Killua leans forward a bit, simply because he can. "Do you already know what you'll be doing now?"

"Hm, I actually haven't really thought about that yet," Gon says lightly. "I wanted to meet you first! What about you, though? Are you gonna continue to travel?"

"Actually, Nanika and I will probably leave Brother soon," Alluka says with a smile. Killua had multiple days to get over it, so he only lightly flinches at that. "Traveling together and everything is fun, but we want to see the world for ourselves too, you know?"

Gon's eyes go sort of wide at that and he looks at Killua again. "Really? What are you going to do, then?"

Well, it was always supposed to end up like this. Killua smiles ever-so-slightly, looks at Gon. "Whatever you're up to, I guess."

  


**10.**

Alluka stays with them for a while longer, though. They end up wandering through the streets in the late evening, until Killua decides that Alluka has to go to sleep and, amidst Alluka’s loud protests, they realize that Gon hasn't booked a room for the night.

"Well," says Killua after their third failed attempt to secure a room in another hotel - it's high season and almost every place in the city is booked out - "I guess you can sleep in our room tonight, right? And tomorrow we can go look for a bigger one together, where all three of us can fit."

Nobody disagrees, so they end up cramped together in their small excuse of a hotel room ten minutes later, brushing their teeth and trying to divide who gets which bed. Originally, Killua suggests he and Alluka share Alluka's bed and Gon gets Killua's, but then Alluka makes the argument that her bed is the smaller one of the two, and it's already sort of uncomfortable with only one person in it. Killua might be slightly biased, but that argument _is_ pretty convincing.

"This is just like back at Whale Island, remember?" Gon says five minutes later, muffled into the fabric of his pillow. Killua does remember.

"Yeah," says Killua and lays down next to him. It's near to impossible to keep distance between the two of them, but he tries anyway. Gon doesn't seem to have such qualms and casually puts his head closer to Killua's, so close Killua can feel Gon's minty breath on the tip of his nose. So quiet that Killua almost hopes Gon doesn't hear him, he adds: "It's nice."

Gon smiles. "It is. Night, Killua. Night, Alluka."

"Goodnight, Gon."

  


**9.**

The next morning greets Killua with muffled rays of sunshine, birdsong and one of Gon's arms sleepily thrown across Killua's chest.

Somebody out there is really trying to kill him, huh.

He almost doesn't try to move because this, right there, must be the best thing the universe has to offer. But then again, at some point they have to get up or they'll miss the rest of the day, so Killua _very_ reluctantly lifts Gon's arm and gets ready to get up.

"Oh, Killua, you're awake!" Gon says.

What.

"Sorry, I didn't want to wake you up," Gon says.

 _That really doesn't explain why you had your arm thrown across my chest_ , Killua thinks. "Uh, no, it's fine," he says in absence of something intelligent to say. "No problem."

Alluka is still asleep in the other bed, so Killua uses the moment to sit up, yawn and sleepily ask: "So, what are we going to do today?"

"Hm, haven't thought about that yet," Gon says. "Maybe go to another town? This one is nice but it's kind of boring, don't you think?"

Killua wholeheartedly agrees, because the only noteworthy thing about the whole town is Yggdrasil and he really doesn't wanna climb that right now. Better go look for something different to do.

"Well, we could always just wander around," Killua says. "See if anyone's got a job for a hunter and do that. That's basically what Alluka and I did the last two years when we didn't know what to do - it usually worked out. Hunters are always needed for something."

"Great, let's do that!" Before Killua can react, Gon is already up and on his way to the bathroom - seconds later, Killua hears the sound of a toothbrush. God, he wishes he had this kind of enthusiasm about things.

At least though, they're together again. It feels surreal, after all this time, but in a good way. Killua realizes that he's actually looking forward to what the day will bring.

He gets up to wake Alluka.

  


**8.**

"Hey, that guy looks like he maybe needs some help!"

"Idiot, shouldn't we first go look for a bulletin board or something?"

"I think we should help him too, brother, he looks like it - oh, he's gone."

"Okay, can we go find a bulletin board now?"

  


**7.**

In the end they do find someone who needs a minor hunter task done for them - capture a magical beast whose horns contain a rare sort of metal and bring one of those horns back to the man who tasked them. It isn't too much of an obstacle and they return after a few hours, to receive a generous reward from the man.

Alluka skives off quickly after that - she wants to explore the city for herself, she says, and promises that she'll stay close to other people and take care of herself.

Well, that only leaves him and Gon.

It's only awkward for a split second before Gon turns to Killua and says "So what are we gonna do now?" with the biggest smile, like he's just this happy to be alone with Killua. Killua honestly couldn't blame him, because he's also pretty happy about that.

"Dunno, wanna find a café or something?" Killua suggests. With no better ideas, they settle for one of the more off ones, one that serves amazingly good hot chocolate as Killua quickly finds out. He's content with this as it is, right now: drinking hot chocolate, sitting in the sun, having Gon by his side. If only…

Killua promised himself that he wouldn't ask. But it's really difficult, curiosity gnawing on him, and finally he gives in. "Hey Gon, can I ask you something?"

"Huh? Sure," Gon says, ever so quick to trust somebody. Ever so quick to trust Killua. "What's it?"

"Did you ever get it back? Your Nen, I mean. You never mentioned it in your mails." _And I didn't want to ask._

Gon grimaces slightly and Killua anticipates the worst. But then, he says "No, don’t worry. I got it back. The contact Kite gave me really helped me." and Killua relaxes from tension he didn't know he even held.

"Honestly though, you don't look that happy about it."

"Uh." Gon puts a hand at the back of his head and looks around to avoid Killua's gaze. Killua smiles and frowns at the same time at the familiar gesture. "Well. It's kinda - you know how we had to train really hard to get to the level you are at right now? I kind of, didn't do that."

Killua just looks at him blankly. "So you're telling me that you can technically use Nen, but not really, because you didn't train?"

"Don't make it sound like that!", Gon complains. "Without you, training wasn’t really fun, so I didn't train as much as we did back then! I still can use Nen, though." As if to prove his point, he raises his hand. Killua activates Gyo and sees a bubble of Nen dance on his fingertips. It’s not weak by any means, but in comparison to what Killua has seen Gon do before, it’s a pale shadow of his former abilities. "Also, Kite says I'm not an Enhancer anymore, so that's kind of an issue too."

There's much to unpack here, but Killua guesses he can get the details another time. He doesn't want to overwhelm Gon by forcing him to tell Killua everything at once. "Well, if we're gonna travel together, I'm going to force you to get better at Nen," he says and stands up. "Otherwise it won't be nearly as much fun, right?"

Gon grins. "Yeah, you're right." He stands up too, takes out his wallet to pay.

On an instinct, Killua asks: "Want me to pay for that?"

"Huh?"

Killua gestures to Gon's empty mug.

"Oh." Is that- that isn't a blush on Gon's cheeks right? It must be the heat. "Sure. If you want to."

"Okay then." Killua takes out his wallet and exchanges a few words with the waitress, hands her the coins and returns back to Gon. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah!" Gon looks at him with a fondness that Killua thinks is vaguely familiar, but can't quite place - until he realizes where he knows it from. It's the same fondness he usually feels when he watches Gon in those moments where he thinks that Gon can't see him. Where he actually allows himself to show some affection.

"Killua, everything alright?"

He breaks away from looking at Gon and smiles. "Yeah, sure. Let's go!"

Killua has a suspicion, and he thinks he has a concrete base to build on, too. His feelings might not have changed over the years, but it's very possible that Gon's did. And that is... something. Killua will have to think this over, very thoroughly.

  


**6.**

They go and look for a hotel for the night, then, only for Alluka to text Killua ten minutes later that she already went and booked a place to stay for the night. Killua assumes that she wants to prove her independence to him, but really can't blame her. Also, it saves them the time to go look for a place to stay on their own.

"Sorry, they didn't have a room for three people," Alluka says over the phone when Killua calls her to ask about the address. "So I booked two rooms, is that okay?"

"Yeah, sure. It’s only for one night, anyway, right? Shouldn’t be too much of a problem.” Gon looks at him, confused, so Killua ends the call and explains the situation to Gon. As expected, he doesn’t have a problem with it.

“Still, it’s too bad we didn’t get a room for all three of us,” Gon pouts on their way to the hotel. “I wanted to stay with you two again!”

“Come on, it’s only one night,” Killua says. “You’ll survive, won’t you?”

“Yeah, I will,” Gon grumbles. “Promise that tomorrow we’ll get a room together?”

“Yeah, yeah, I promise. Look, we’re here!”

The hotel is nothing special, something that looks comfortably affordable. Killua tells his name to the receptionist and she hands him two keys.

They make their way upstairs quietly until they stand before their respective doors - they’re right next to each other, at least, so if something happens during the night, Killua knows that Gon will be there. That’s good.

“Well, goodnight, then,” Killua says with a small smile. “See you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight,” Gon agrees and then pulls Killua into a fleeting hug. That’s one of the things: one of those things that unmistakably changed over the last two years. For somebody this open, Gon isn’t nearly as physical as he seems, but lately, he doesn’t seem to mind hugs or physical affection at all. Interesting.

It’s not that Gon is notably calmer or anything nowadays. He’s still as simple-minded and headstrong as ever, and Killua is glad about that - but something in his actions shifted, ever-so-subtly. Something is different and Killua welcomes the change with open arms.

 _Something about you has changed, Gon_ , Killua thinks. _In a good way._

He musters up all his courage and actually says it.

Gon laughs, something Killua doesn’t think he’ll ever get enough of.

"I had time to think about some things, you know. That helped.” Gon says. Killua would really love to know what the hell he means by that. He's got a pretty good guess, anyway.

Gon hugs him one last time and presses something that might be a fleeting kiss on the side of Killua's head. Killua almost passes out.

Then, Gon steps back, grins at him and waves. "See you tomorrow, Killua!"

Killua watches him go, speechless from the sheer _audacity_ of it. God. Gon's gonna be the death of him, one day. Killua can feel it.

  


**5.**

The next day finds them on an early morning train to a city neither of the three can pronounce - they heard from a travelling merchant that there was a maze that apparently nobody had solved within the last few decades and on the clearance of which was a high prize set. It sounded like a fun challenge, so off they went. They have the train almost to themselves, which is nice, because it’s early in the morning and Killua thinks he’d be notably angrier if anybody would be talking right now. This way, he can get at least a few more hours of sleep while they wait for their destination to arrive.

He and Gon don’t talk about the night before, because they don’t have to - or maybe because they don’t really want to, either. Like most things do, it just settles between them sort of comfortably. To Killua, this means that when he wakes up his head is on Gon’s shoulder. Likewise, Gon seems to have dozed off sometime too, because he’s still sound asleep and leans against Killua. It should be uncomfortable but it really isn’t

Alluka notices, of course, and gives him a sly smile. Killua gestures her to shut up - softly, with slow motions so Gon doesn’t wake up. She raises her eyebrows and her smile widens, but doesn’t say anything.

The train arrives four hours later and it is only then that Gon wakes up; Killua, who has dozed off and on for the last few hours only notices because the weight on his head he has grown so used to is suddenly missing. It bugs Killua, but he guesses they have to leave the train at some point.

“Mornin’,” he softly greets Gon when he wakes up, still half asleep. “Slept well?”

Gon just yawns in response. “Can’t we stay a bit longer?”

Alluka laughs and takes one of his arms to pull him up into a standing position. “Come on, there’s a treasure to be found!”

Killua smiles and follows them.

  


**4.**

They spent years trying to unlearn each other, trying to forget themselves in every way they knew how. Now, in those weeks spent together, they finally learn to remember everything they tried to bury -- and that they never actually unlearned anything.

  


**3.**

At long last, they return to Whale Island.

Mito is euphoric about it; It’s been years since she last saw Gon and the first thing she does when she sees them is to hug her nephew. Killua’s next, wrapped in her arms before he can do as much as protest. Alluka is greeted with just as much warmth and it reminds Killua of his first visit to Whale Island -- when everything was new, and strange, and the only comfort he had was in the arms of a stranger.

There are worse things.

In the evening, long after Alluka has gone to bed, they stray around the island for a bit. It’s just them for the first time in what feels like forever, and though Killua loves his little sister more than the world, he’s almost glad to be alone with Gon. Maybe that’s what they need.

They settle for a cliff not too far away from the harbour, close enough that they can watch the flickering lights below but far enough away that Killua’s anxiety finally settles. They stay silent for a very long time; in the end, it’s Gon who breaks it.

“So, what are you going to do now? Are you gonna travel with Alluka?” _Are you going to stay with me?_ stays unsaid, but they both hear it nonetheless.

“To be honest, I don’t know.” Killua watches the lights beneath them, watches how the last few people wander across the streets to get home. “I always said that Alluka was my number one priority, but now that she wants to travel on her own, I really don’t know what to do.”

“Well, I mean, I get that you want to protect Alluka,” Gon says in a voice both so playful and so serious that Killua has troubles attributing it to the same boy who once had problems expressing emotions that weren’t happiness or rage, “but if you ever want somebody else to travel with, I’m always gonna be there for you. You know that, right?”

Killua almost laughs, because strangely, even though everything that happened to them across the last few years would suggest otherwise, he still believes Gon whole-heartedly. Then, he exhales very deeply, and tries to reconsider.

“Well, I mean.” he says, trying to collect himself. “Maybe I can have two number one priorities, you know?”

Gon smiles at him. This time, if they aren’t careful, they might spend their lives together; Killua is looking forward to it.

  


**2.**

This is what happens afterwards:

It doesn’t matter when it happens. It could be the next day, when they stroll through the streets of the same city still, trying to find new and exciting ways to spend their newfound prize money. It could be in the following week, when they lay awake in the dark, long after Alluka went to sleep, and exchange stories about their adventures during the last years. It could be the following day when they try and horribly fail to cook lunch together as a farewell gift for Alluka and Nanika, who will depart in a week, and keep laughing even when their makeshift kitchen turns more into a battlefield. It could be a few days later when they sit at the bank of the city’s biggest river, letting their feet hang into the cold water and watching the sunrise together. It could be any of those moments, but it doesn’t matter which one, because it’s the same result in the end.

 _“God, I love you,”_ Killua is _so close_ to blurting out. Instead, he cups Gon’s face with both hands, looks into his eyes, hesitates for a moment and then kisses him. After everything they went through, this is what they both deserve.

  


**1.**

A few days later, they see off Alluka with hugs and kisses as she boards an airship to Yorknew City, where Leorio promised he would have an eye on her while she finally fulfills her and Nanika's dream of traveling on their own. Killua watches her board the airship with mixed feelings, and secretly links his pinky finger with Gon's, because he needs to hold on to something right now. Gon says nothing, just holds his hand tight while Alluka waves at them and then disappears in the airship's body. Killua honestly doesn’t know how to feel about leaving his little sister all alone, but he supposes that’s a part of her growing up. He always suspected deep down that he’d have to let her go eventually.

Gon, apparently, has read his thoughts, because he takes Killua’s hand in his and squeezes it affirmatively. “She’ll be alright, don’t worry. She’s all grown-up now, she can take care of herself. And she’s got Nanika with her.”

“I know,” Killua says. “ But I’m still worried for her. What if Illumi comes after her? She can’t defend herself against him.”

“She will have everyone look out for her, won’t she?” And then, when he sees that Killua isn’t fully convinced yet, he adds: “Killua, it’ll be fine. She’s going to be fine.”

Killua squeezes his eyes shut, exhales deeply and opens them again. “Yeah, I know,” he says. “I know.”

He watches the airship slowly leave the ground, rise into the sky until it’s just a dark dot between the clouds. Only then he turns around, Gon’s hand still firmly in his own. “Let’s go.”

  


**Epilogue**

"So where do you wanna go now?"

"I don't know." Gon puts his arms behind his head and watches the clouds dance over the sky. It’s a good day. The weather is nice. On a day like that, everything is possible.

"Well, then let's just go see _everything_." Killua grins widely when Gon's eyes light up at the thought. "We have all the time in the world now, don't we?"

"Yeah!"

He'll never leave Gon's side again.


End file.
